Yesterday

In the past few days I've moved house and dropped more cash in the process than I'd like to admit. I've thrown a brand new pair of AK shoes in the trash because I thought the box was empty. I've had sore muscles and moments of crushing self-doubt as I inch ever closer to starting this Grad School adventure. It's been stressful. I'm not sure how I'm going to fit in both physically and emotionally with my new housemates so I've been fighting the urge to hide in my room all day. I've relied more heavily on my established friends and they've pulled through amazingly without me even having to ask.
Yesterday my room developed it's own environment as the howling gale and pouring rain came streaming in through the airconditioner. Yesterday my friend gave birth to a baby. A large part of my belief that I will never have children stems from my belief that I will never find anyone who will want to have children with me. I thought I had once but I was very, very wrong. And now this baby is here sooner than anticipated and without the usual fanfare and excitement that a new, precious life brings. This baby is priceless and I am sure he will be loved immeasurably by his new parents, but my heart is broken for the one's who have chosen not to watch him grow. I want to sob for my friend, to wash away the pain but this is not my burden to bear as much as it was not my decision to make. She has been so strong and selfless throughout and I hope I can be the same for her if she wants me to be.